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October 26, 2011

an open letter to maternity clothing designers

Dear Maternity Clothing Designers,

I'd like to start out by saying thank you. Thank you for coming such a long way. We are, thankfully, past the terrible oversized T-shirts, our partners over-sized shirts, our partners clothes in general, and those god-forsaken moo-moos. Looking at pregnant women in the '80s and '90s was, for the most part, is a sad sight. I'm sure there were some that could afford super nice, form-fitting maternity clothing. Or, I'm also sure there were plenty that were small enough to fit into their pre-pregnancy clothes their entire pregnancy. We are, thankfully, past the time when pregnant women would wear super stretchy dresses with athletic shoes, whew.

This is a good time for pregnant women and fashion.

We have finally come to appreciate the pregnant form (I attribute this to Demi Moore's famous naked pregnant body on the cover of the August 1991 Vanity Fair...she was awesome). This is something we do, and for the most part, are biologically supposed to do. This is a natural thing for most female bodies. It's nice to find clothing that accentuates the belly (and the boobs for that matter) instead of poorly attempting to hide them. This is the one time in our lives that we feel like it's ok to have a big belly. This is the first time in my life that I've said the word "belly" at least ten times a day. It's a time to be ok with talking about your own belly (Though, I might add, not a time for OTHERS to comment on how big said belly is getting, mind you).

Pregnant women are now encouraged to be sexy. Show a little of this or that...it's ok, you're pregnant. I mean...we are in this "situation" for a reason, right? At some point, we were probably looking a little sexy. Am I right? So, why stop trying to look our best when we can no longer see what shoes we're wearing?

The one question I have for you, Maternity Clothing Designers, is this...why cargo pants?

I mean seriously...why cargo pants? Of all pants for EVERY SINGLE MATERNITY LINE TO CARRY...it's cargo pants? I don't get it. Who needs that extra pocket? That extra bulk? My belly (there goes that word again) is already 4 times its normal size. That, in turn, makes the rest of me LOOK smaller (by comparison only). Why would I want extra bulk around my legs? Why the extra pocket and then, in most cases, make the pants taper making my upper legs and rear look even bigger? This just makes no sense, MCD (that's military speak for Maternity Clothing Designer).

And...really, who needs the extra pocket? What would I put in there? I'm not sure there's any person, pregnant or not, who needs the extra pocket. If you need extra pockets for work (construction workers, artists, etc) you would wear a tool belt or apron or something. The pocket is also in a really unfortunate, not easy-to-get-to location...halfway down my leg. Screw any of those other people, when pregnant, how am I going to reach halfway down my leg to unfasten the not one but TWO buttons on the pocket to get whatever the hell I put in there that I probably forgot about halfway down and now can't remember why I'm sitting on the floor? And now, I can't get up.

Even little boys, who I have to admit look super cute in cargo pants, don't use the freaking pocket.

I know! It must be to put something in there toward the beginning of the pregnancy (you know, when we're excited to be pregnant and we wanted to go shopping for maternity clothes and all Target had was these stupid cargo pants. We didn't want them, but we got them anyway cause that's all they had) and forgetting about it through the dizzying, exciting journey that is pregnancy. The baby comes, we still haven't remembered the thing we put in there, and we pack the maternity clothes away (hopefully sooner, rather than later, BUT we're going to be nice to ourselves because we just birthed one, maybe two, babies). Then we get pregnant to start the whole process again, we unpack all the maternity clothes (so exciting!) and those stupid cargo pants (not so exciting), we find whatever the hell we put in that stupid extra bulky pocket in the first place (now I can't even remember what it was).

So please, MCDs, please make us some casual pants that look good (that we don't have to pay an arm and a leg for) and save the yards of fabric you were going to use for those silly pockets for more pants! See...we all win!

Your friend, and pregnant with twins,
Heather

3 comments:

  1. LOL!!!!!!! LOVE this post. The pockets are ooooobviously for tots. As in tater tots. A girl's gotta have snacks!

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  2. Back in the 80s, my mom made a lot of her own maternity clothes (AKA government-issued bump tents) from patterns which she recently uncovered and offered to recreate for me. It was all I could do to throw up in my mouth a little and politely decline the generous offer. :)

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  3. While I agree that the cargo pants aren't the best, I found that I *never* had any pockets in my maternity pants, which irritated me to no end. Ah, sigh, I guess that's the way it goes.

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